040 Relating To Your Past Self: The Philosophy of Fitness Ep.30

Are you regretful of the past? Or do you long for a previous version of yourself? How can we frame the past to best serve us today? Tali and Cody explore these ideas and more on this episode of The Philosophy Of Fitness Series.

01:25 What are your bad habits? The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business by Charles Duhigg

05:52 How do we compare our current self to our past selves? Are you moving and changing, like a flowing river? Or are you stagnant like a putrid pond?

16:45 Is the desire for a past version of ourselves a positive motivator, or a wistful regret? 

24:31 How can we manage our reactions to atrophy or perishable skills that have been lost? Is there power in re-framing your past with your current perspectives? 

40:40 Tools to let go if you're stuck in the past: Meditation, Re-framing, Taking on a new pursuit, practicing gratitude, Metta: loving kindness, Journal the lessons learned -self-knowledge- and plan on how to apply those lessons in positive ways, take pressure off of yourself by recognizing that the present moment is a new beginning, Start where you're at

55:04 You get to choose how a "defining moment" defines you

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Transcript

Cody: 0:56

Hi, this is Cody Limbaugh.

Tali: 0:58

And I'm Tali Zabari, and you're listening to the Philosophy of Fitness podcast

Cody: 1:02

on the Live All Your Life Network. Hi. Hey baby. How's it going, honey? Great.

Tali: 1:27

Have a great weekend. It has been a great weekend. I'm really excited that it's Sunday today and I saw somebody that I follow online asking they set up a poll of if their Sunday is going to be productive, restful, or both? And it seems like we

Cody: 1:43

went for both. That's the idea. So far it has not been productive. Discounts is productive. Oh, okay. Podcast

Tali: 1:50

is fun. I love doing the podcast on Sundays because it feels like it meets our objective in terms of like wanting to have quality time together and it's content for the biz. So I think it, I think it's great. Thanks.

Cody: 2:06

Yeah. Well, you said you had an icebreaker. You told me yesterday, but I

Tali: 2:09

forgot I told you what the icebreaker is, so maybe you thought about it, maybe you didn't, but you groaned when I told you what it was. I remember that. I thought it would be fun to share what we consider to be our bad habits. Oh, shit. Yeah. Do you remember now?

Cody: 2:24

Yeah. I did not give it a lot of thought. Because I think that a, the word habit kind of brings to mind like certain activities that you do on a repetitive basis. Yeah. And I feel like most of my bad habits are the things that I beat myself up for the most. Or the self-critical things are more like mental habits, like ways of thinking or procrastination, shit like that. Well,

Tali: 2:55

I have some pretty specific ones. If you'd like me to go first, go first. I can maybe set the stage. So I thought about this as I was sitting at my computer and I came up with the topic for today's podcast and I was pulling at my split ends. Mm-hmm. Yeah. And I was like, God damn, I can't believe I still do this. It's so annoying. So yeah, just with using heat tools and. Dying my hair. I have some damaged hair kind of on a regular basis. And so my ends are split and I get a lot of enjoyment out of like pulling them apart mm-hmm. Or yanking them out. And it's really bad for your hair, but it's more like I get into this tunnel vision with it and I really enjoy it. It's really satisfying, but it's, yeah, you get really into it. I know. And I look like a crazy person. Cause I'm like tweezing at my hair, like right in front of my face. I like to do it at the computer because it has like a good backdrop so that I can see them really well, but

Cody: 3:57

just to pulling'em apart. Make it worse. Yeah. Like way worse. That's

Tali: 4:00

why I try to get like haircuts scheduled regularly so that they're not an issue. You just got a haircut, but I also just need to. My hair back to keep from doing it, but I also enjoy it. So it's a bad habit, but like, I like it.

Cody: 4:14

Well of course we get, we always get something from our habits. That's the whole point of, yeah. Of what, how habits get started is that you have like Charles Duhigg's book, the Power of Habit, he talks about how habits are formed and it's like a cue that causes an action and then there's a reward and sometimes it's not a good reward for us. Yeah. But it is what it is. And that's why people have a habit of like check in their phone cause they get a little dopamine hit. That's the reward I get

Tali: 4:43

dopamine hits from and yeah. Pulling my split end, but just to give you an idea of like how deep this runs, I think, you know, but anyway, listening probably doesn't know. I used to get sent to detention for that when I would do it in school for screwing with your hair in school. Yeah. And I always tribute it, attribute it to a d d at the

Cody: 5:03

time. Did you say detention? Detention. That seems really harsh.

Tali: 5:08

I wasn't paying attention. That was like the underlying issue. Okay. However, when I started getting medicated for a d d I wouldn't do it anymore. Mm. And so it's just kind of like a comfy place to be and I can do it forever. I can do for hours if left to it. But yeah, it, it drives me nuts because I know that I'm not listening. I know that I'm not doing anything productive and I'm ruining my hair. But that was one particular one that came to mind. I have more,

Cody: 5:36

don't we all? Yeah. What are some of mine? You can just

Tali: 5:40

point out Ooh. Oh gosh. You want me to pull out one of your bad

Cody: 5:43

habits?

Tali: 5:48

Yeah. Okay. I can think of one. Okay. When you get undressed for the day, you take off your clothes and just like leave them on the floor and. You like I always call it your trench. Mm-hmm. You have like a pile of clothes by the side of your bed on a regular basis and it normally wouldn't bother me so much, but it only bothers me because that's also the entrance to our bedroom. So your side of the room gets kind of scary. Yeah. Yeah.

Cody: 6:20

You know, I sleep toward the door to, as the protector mm-hmm. Of the room. Yeah. Always sleep toward the door. I appreciate that. Mm-hmm.

Tali: 6:29

Cool. Happy to help I guess. Alright, so today's episode is based around our past selves and I kind of wanna leave it at that because I. Feel like I had a particular way of looking at this that was kind of inherently negative. But I don't wanna steer the conversation that way or prompt the whole thing that way. Mm-hmm. So I wanna leave it open for, in interpretation completely. So our past selves, and that is in the gym, out of the gym and just that experience with comparison and how, how can we interact with that past self in a way that's maybe more productive than what happens naturally or the bad habits around it. Yeah,

Cody: 7:18

it's interesting cuz as with almost every one of our topics, there's sort of like a few different angles you could take. Yeah. Some are not negative and some are, and it's sometimes tough to know which is which. Like as far as healthy habits or productive habits or whatever your objective is for. Thinking about your past self. Mm-hmm. The first thing that comes to mind is like the Buddhist idea that we are not our past selves, we're not the same person. That there is no self i'd for a long time. When I would hear that as a philosophical term, there is no such thing as the self. I'd be like, that's fucking bullshit. Like, I'm me, like this, I am me. Like how else are you gonna define me? But I kind of understand it a little bit differently now in that we think of ourselves as this sort of like continuous person from the time we're born to the time we die, that, that there's this identity that we feel. But it's a little bit like the analogy of the river where, you know, it's the same river but it's not the same water. Right? You can never step in the same river twice because the water's constantly changing. Yes. So there's like this present you that is different from you 10 minutes ago or 10 years ago or whatever. So That's the first thing that comes to mind is the we. We can compare ourselves to our past self and we can use it as sort of a positive or negative tool or a way to influence us in positive or negative ways. But the reality is we're not that person. Yeah. And we never will be that person. That person is dead like you, me, 10 years ago is dead.

Tali: 8:57

I think that's entirely dependent on though, on how you wanna think about it. Some people feel a lot of comfort or just I think have the belief that we aren't pliable or that we don't have the capacity to be. Totally different people.

Cody: 9:15

I think that's lame. I think there's, I think

Tali: 9:19

there's some, not to pass judgment,

Cody: 9:23

I think there's some continuity, which is why I like the analogy of the river. Like the, that river may be the same quote unquote river for hundreds of years going down the same path, but different water. And I think what you're made of sort of changes over time. If you're the type of person who's living an examined life, an intentional life, someone who's interested in growth, and living all your live, all your life, like, that's the title of our podcast. Live All Your Life. And it speaks to a type of person who's trying to live in intentional existence and like do the best they can kind of thing. And I, I know it's easy to say like, well, everybody's just doing the best they can. And I suppose in a way that's true. But you and I both know that there are some people who sort of slip into this rut of comfort zone where they are Okay. Being an unchanging person. Mm-hmm. And everybody that we know that's like, that is also kind of fucking miserable. Like, right. I mean, well,

Tali: 10:22

yeah. I was trying to think of like, what would the analogy be of a river that isn't moving, like river stagnant water. Well, rivers don't freeze over, do they? At least not entirely. Well,

Cody: 10:32

it depends on where they are, but Yeah. But running water, sh Yeah, moving water Yeah. Doesn't freeze and it doesn't get stagnant. Like you can drink. It's a lot safer to drink from running water than a stagnant pond. Right. With crap growing in it. Right. Right. And so it's, it's the same, the stagnation is gross. Like, and I see that in people and it's just, they're kind of like a stagnant pond to me. People who just kind of like are Okay. Being stuck and blaming. You know, I, I associate that very strongly with people who have an external locus of control, meaning like, they're the victim of circumstance and everything is happening to them and they don't have a lot of agency in their life. Sure. Or they don't claim it. And I, I associate all that as, as sort of this very related thing. So

Tali: 11:22

do you think though that people are rivers regardless of their perception of it, like people are, are they going to change even kind of quote unquote against their own will?

Cody: 11:36

Well, there's always aging, right? Right. Like times' ticking. Yeah. And none of us are getting any younger. Right. So there's a physiological change of course, but I think it's also like that stagnation. Well,

Tali: 11:47

don't you think the deepening of the groove of stagnation even. Is change in and of itself. Like you can make those ruts deeper and deeper and deeper.

Cody: 11:57

Yeah. And that's, that was my point is that it is just like that, the pond analogy, like, if you're stagnant, you're gonna get more putrid over time. Oh my

Tali: 12:05

God, this water thing, like, took a really dark turn. You can tell I'm a little

Cody: 12:10

putrid. Tell, I'm a little judgy about this. I guess it's because the reason I get so judgey about it is I mean, you and I have had a recent experience with somebody like this, but I have encountered this over and over and over again throughout my life that I've received a lot of abuse, if you wanna call it that, or at least aggression, aggression and just really unpleasant exchanges with people who are like this. And that's why I kind of, that's why I f I sound a little judgey about it cuz it's like, you know, I'm trying to like live my best life, be a better person. Work on my, my code of ethics. Like I'm really trying to grow and be a better person all the time. And for you who's like, doesn't seem to be trying to really improve yourself to shit on me, it pisses me off. And so I, that's why I, I get really judgey about it, I guess, is because the people I've known who are like that are also really they're just not nice people. Like in general, they're miserable. They kind of like spew out that crap on everybody else. And yeah, I just, I love being around people who are like dynamic and thriving and growing, even if they're doing it in ways that I don't necessarily relate to or agree with. Mm-hmm. You know, maybe there's, it's some like hippy-dippy, like woo woo, like hippie dippy, like woohoo like way out there stuff that I don't really buy into. But at least they're like trying and they're growing and they're exploring and they're interested in living their best life. And those people don't, typic typically come at me with any aggression of any kind, even if we don't agree with it. Well, because there's.

Tali: 13:40

There's a mutual respect, I think. Yeah. But people who would identify in that way, who would consider themselves flowing rivers have a past self to look back on. And, you know, just because you're flowing water doesn't necessarily mean you're like, flowing where you wanna go. It doesn't necessarily mean that things are like exponential and that it's always better and better and better. And so a lot of the notes and the reflection that I had on this particular subject is this idea of looking back of like who I used to be, whether it was physically, socially, creatively and feeling like there's some kind of grief around it. And. I wanna talk about it because I don't really, I don't wanna look back in that way. Mm-hmm. I feel like I'm coming out of it only because I feel like life has changed so much in the last five years that I feel new paths taking shape finally. It kind of felt like for a while there might not have been like a lull. Mm-hmm. Of sorts. And I don't really want to be someone who lives with regret. I don't really want to always feel like I'm looking back on my golden years or like the high points of my life. I really believe that if I let it happen and if I want it, there are gonna be plenty of those ahead for me. But it also takes giving up the grief. Of my past self, you know? Mm-hmm. You and I talk a lot about, even on this podcast, like when you and I met, we were kind of at our personal peaks of development, and that's why we fell madly in love with each other because there was such resonance there and such high functioning going on there. And you know, something that's made me really insecure at times in our marriage is feeling like my stagnation or like the petre quality of my pond is evident to you, or you can see it and like, it's easy to get stuck there. Like that stagnation. You're absolutely right. Like you can be, you know, rowing a boat around in that pond and not be going anywhere. And that's how a few years have felt for me. Professionally. Physically. And. Yeah, I just I'm really hoping that we can unpack this more and maybe have a little bit more grace for those past selves. And ultimately the, the hope that I have is to be able to look back and be like, wow, I did that. That was really cool. Mm-hmm. And like, leave it there, rather than feel like, okay, I have to match that, or I should do it again. Mm-hmm. I have a note in here that says, you know, I look at my medals and awards that are hanging in our gym and it gives me like crazy imposter syndrome sometimes. Like I look at them and I'm like, who did, like, who did that? Like, was I really physically able to do that? Mm-hmm. And it makes me sad because it's like, I wouldn't be able to do that now. And I see all these people lifting like at the Arnolds and stuff this week, which has been so fun to watch. It's one of those national meets that I have had not had a chance to do, and it's kind of like, Disneyland for strength sports and it just seems like it'd be such a good time. But there's part of me that's like, oh, I feel like I'm kind of missing out on it, but that's just not my life anymore. Mm-hmm. And I wanna be okay with that. Mm-hmm. Thoughts? I ranted a whole lot.

Cody: 17:24

No, it's good. It's good stuff. I think that this is what I was talking about with like, it's a little tough to know whether that's a positive or negative thing and it just depends on how you're trying to interpret it or internalize it. Yeah. Because sometimes I look back at that sort of peak fitness that I was at when we met and as I actually forget about it sometimes, but I'll see a video of myself and I'd be like, damn. I was like fucking yolked there for a minute. Like mm-hmm. And at the time it's funny cuz at the time I didn't think so, like at the time I'm still like, oh, I have so much work to do. Yeah. And then I look back,

Tali: 17:58

I'm like, oh God, you ungrateful asshole. I was in such a good

Cody: 18:01

place. I should have like, man, if I had just like maintained. Or the practices that got me there, think of where I'd be now. You know, that's where my mind goes. It's like, man, I could have done even better, you know? But

Tali: 18:13

but so you're already like grieving your future self?

Cody: 18:17

Maybe in a way or just like present self, like, I wish I was there again. But but there's the positive way to look at that, or like a motivating factor to look at that is that that was only five or six years ago. It's not like we're looking back as 80 year old people, like wishing we were in our twenties again. Like, that's not, not a whole lot you can do about that kind. Well, I'm hoping that

Tali: 18:40

whatever you and I talk about today is applicable even there. Yeah.

Cody: 18:43

But I, my point is, is that you can use that as a positive motivating factor. Like I got there once, I know I can get there again, but should

Tali: 18:51

be, it's empowering. You know, like if

Cody: 18:54

you want to, I suppose. So you don't want to compete? I'm talking, we're talking about two

Tali: 18:57

different things, but part of me kind of does, and part of me doesn't know if that's because I actually want to, or because I look at that time in my life as being like, wow, that was a thrill. Mm-hmm. Wow. That was so great. And part of me is like, leave it. In the past it was fucking awesome. Mm-hmm. I like went out on top and you know, Jerry Seinfeld did the same thing. Yeah. So I like to think of myself as the Jerry Seinfeld of Oregon weightlifting, but it's funny

Cody: 19:26

cause he said he was retiring, but then he went on tour, did a, a standup comedy tour. Sure. She's done a few things since then. Nothing to the scale, of course. Well,

Tali: 19:35

I'm still lifting. I'm still coaching. Yeah. It's still like a part of me, but I want it to be a part of me in a different way. However, I just find myself standing in my own way a lot, being like, I should be able to get back there. But, I don't really want to, if I really think about it. Mm-hmm. You know, I really rev revel in novelty. I'm really excited about drawing. Mm-hmm. Which is weird. Never thought that I would land on something artistic that felt mm-hmm. Exciting. Yeah. That's great. Yeah. I kind of just, I think the structured atmosphere went a really long way with me. Mm-hmm. And feeling pushed in the way that I like to feel pushed. Mm-hmm. Rather than having to rely on myself and my own self-discipline that's gonna get me nowhere.

Cody: 20:25

Yeah. Well, when it's, when you're rudderless, right. If you have no structure, it's like a boat just drifting out and no rudder. So I, I guess though that I, I want to emphasize that we're not, we're not necessarily talking about the same things cuz you had a competitive. Streak at the time. And I wasn't competitive at all. I was just, it's just a general fitness aspect of who, of, of where I was. Okay. That I think I can get back to and even surpass. And so I use it as motivation of like, I know I can get back there because it was not that long ago, first of all. And the way I got there was kind of simple. Like I wasn't where you were, you were, you were training like 15 hours a week in the gym, maybe more, probably more plus other, you know, care that you were receiving at the time. Like it was like a part-time job. It was like 20 hours a week. Mm-hmm. Just consuming you in a physical way with weightlifting. Plus the mental aspect of it, like it was a full-time gig for you. I wasn't doing that. I was like working on five, six times a week and just kind of dabbling here and there and doing some CrossFit and some Indian clubs and some train, and it was a lifestyle thing that I think I can get back to and use that period as a motivating factor. Not that I'm mourning that it's gone, but I know I can get back to it. It's like, it's like I proved it to myself like I could get there, then I can do it again.

Tali: 21:53

Well, let me put it into different terms. Like to me, it's not even about the weightlifting. It's more feeling like I had a direction in life. Mm-hmm. And something that I was passionate about and that I put so much effort towards. And those parts of it are what I feel like I grieve because I've felt kind of directionless at times in the last few years. I've, I'm starting to feel differently, especially with our business in going in the direction that it is and. Feeling really optimistic about it and kind of honing what our life might look like. You know, for a long time I really couldn't see where it was going, and I feel a lot more clear about that, and that is like enough to get traction with, you know? Mm-hmm. And I guess I just, I hold a lot of value in being a part of something that is all consuming or, you know, is my social life, my my physical life, my you know, just having everything tied in. But we've talked a lot about how important it is to have varying experiences and obviously that's something that you and I are practicing a lot in our lives. And so I think that there's just like a shift between, or there's like just a disconnect between like the way that I wanna live my life and the way that I feel like I should be. You know, or ways that have like given me solace in the past mm-hmm. That I try to like replicate now and realize it doesn't like fit anymore.

Cody: 23:24

Do you think some of it's just the structure aspect though? I mean, there's no weightlifting team here mm-hmm. But you during the drawing class, you know, you're in a community of people. Yeah. Freaking loved it. There was structure, there was other people, you know, everyone's looking at each other's work and encouraging each other. And there's some similar, there's some parallels there Sure. That you had in the team.

Tali: 23:50

Sure. I mean, I would definitely say that those experiences feel really synonymous. Like there was that camaraderie, like that last class that we went to of all the sessions that I've been to, whether it was drawing or being the model. I had never seen everybody kind of touring around to each other's easels and to see each other's work and like, give each other feedback. That was not the case for all the other classes I

Cody: 24:16

attended. I took some time to warm up to each other Sure. To strangers or like drawing in a room

Tali: 24:20

together and like, well, and the structure of the class changed a lot. Like in the beginning it was like very regimented and the breaks were timed and things got a lot more lax towards the end in a good way, I think. And so that was really great to have that kind of interaction with everybody else in the room. And like you said, just getting to know each other and also just being like deeply challenged. Mm-hmm. Drawing is not something that I. Have practiced. And so I feel very out of my element and very much a novice, like I have a lot to learn. Mm-hmm. But it's exciting and like feeling excited to fuck up is like kind of a really great feeling to have and I don't experience that with everything. So to have kind of landed on something that feels similar is super exciting. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Cody: 25:12

It's kind of funny cuz it's almost an inverse situation for us because drawing for me is a little bit more like weightlifting for you. There was a time in my life when I, when I was often being recognized and given a lot of kudos and encouragement because of my art. Yes. I was in like art shows. I sold art. Right. Like I've, I was at a level, you commissioned things apply things from me. Yeah, yeah. And then but that was decades ago. Like that was a different person. And so what's. Frustrating for me is I sort of have an echo of that ability, like in my head, where I can see, I can see the art, like how it should be then, but my hand doesn't work. Like it doesn't, Ugh. It's like, wow, what am I doing? It's like I can see as soon as I put a line on the paper, well, that was wrong. Yeah. I

Tali: 26:03

was just

Cody: 26:04

telling you about that the other day and, and it's a really frustrating place to be because of that comparison to my past self. I feel like if I was just starting fresh, I'd be like, well, of course this is part of the learning process. Okay, so

Tali: 26:15

this is what I'm trying to figure out. So here we have these two paralleling experiences. You're further away from like your quote unquote peak. I'm a little bit closer to mine. How can we look back on those experiences with like, how wonderful was that? Mm-hmm. Like, how great was that? Rather than like, fuck, I should have kept it up, or whatever. Mm-hmm. You know? That's what I really wanna cultivate here. Like I don't want to grieve my past. Obviously we see how other people, you know, we have some people in our lives as close as our family members who really live in the past, and it really robs them of opportunities in their future and their PA and their Yes. And the thing about the past is I don't really believe it's set in stone in the way that it's kind of conventionally thought of. Like, yes, things took place, things happened the way that they did. And I'm not, I'm not advocating for like revisionist history or like being in denial about things that have taken place in our lives. Mm-hmm. But when we start to create distance, As time goes on, I really think that there's a lot of power in being able to change the way that we feel about things. Looking back

Cody: 27:34

perspective, right? Like you're, the further in the past it is, the easier it is to zoom out and see it from a different

27:41

perspective,

Tali: 27:41

but it might not be, you have to really know that that's an option. Because I think there are a lot of people who might be considered those stagnant ponds. They are reinforcing how they felt about something in the past now. Mm-hmm. Like the, they've held on to the grudge, they've held on to the anger or the resentment, rather than like choosing to let it go. Mm-hmm. You know, like you don't have to carry that shit with you. But I think there's this mistake and belief that because something happened, I have to feel the same. I have to like, almost like preserve that. Mm. For the rest of my life of like, that's how it happened. That's why I'm this way, you know? Mm-hmm. And I just, I wanna be fluid, I wanna be pliable. And there's gotta be something that makes us default to wanting to hold onto those things or wanting to like relive the glory days or replicate what we've done. But I see like what a trap that can be. Mm-hmm. And I'm always trying to find out ways that we're creating our own misery. You know? There's so many things in life that aren't gonna challenge us. Why pile on even more when it's preventable? Yeah. And so this seems like one of those arenas where, especially being in the fitness industry, and you and I are kind of like circling back, you know, inventing new methods, of course with our business, but circling back to things that we've been doing for years, decades and. Kind of feeling like we're in the shadow of our old selves. Like I'm kind of sick of that. Mm-hmm.

Cody: 29:25

Well, I think we've talked about reframing before and how you can reframe things in your mind to have a different effect on you, even though it's the same action. In a previous podcast I had mentioned like the analogy of. Like being tackled and brought to the ground and how it's like one, you know, you can kind of reframe in your head like, well, what is that scenario? Like? Some people would automatically being like, oh, you're being attacked. And then other people might think, well, you must be in a football game. And so it's just a game that you're playing. Or like, I use the analogy of like, well, maybe somebody was like stopping you from texting while you're crossing the street and there's a bus coming. You know, like there's a lot of different ways to like look at the same event. Different, different camera angles. Sure. You can show camera, one camera to you different things. Yeah. And it also reminds me of and I'm gonna go ahead and retell it even if I've told, I can't remember if I said this on a podcast. This is in my book which is allegory, I guess it's called that I heard Alan Watts say once, but I've heard other people say is the same story. So I don't know where this comes from, but it's like this farmer who. It's just like kind of a poor farmer. He doesn't have much, he's just got like one horse to plow his fields and one night the horse gets away and, and all his neighbors are like, oh, it's such a shame that your horse left and it's like your only method for farming. And he is like, well, we'll see. And then the next day that horse comes back and it leads a bunch of wild horses back with it. And so now he's got like 20 horses and everybody's like, how fortunate. And the farmer's like, well, we'll see. And then the son his only son is like trying to break one of the wild horses, falls off and breaks his leg and can't help with the farm anymore. And so everyone's like, oh, that's so bad. And he says, we'll see. And then the army comes to conscript the sun for war and he, they can't take him cuz he's injured. Oh, how fortunate. And everyone's like, oh, how fortunate. And he is like, well, we'll see. And so the, the moral of the story is like, It don't be too quick to judge things that have happened in the past, even if it's recent past. Cuz you don't know what part of the story that is.

Tali: 31:32

Yes. And attributing value to something and then sticking with that value, sticking with that forever. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I think that's major. And it

Cody: 31:41

has a lot to do with like, when you and I met, like it was in one way it was a very high point for me in my life, but in another way it was a really tragic, like, sad point in my life too. I mean, I had recent divorce and part of that is like moving out before all my kids moved out of the house. Like they were pretty much adult children. They weren't like small children, but still, like my youngest daughter was 16 still at home. And there was a part of me, it was like really tragic for me to like have things sort of end that way, if you will. And I also had a business for 17 years that I was abandoning like, You know, I had already sold the business, but I was working for the owners, the new owners, right. As sort of their manager. And I was a pretty sweet gig actually, cuz it was kind of an easy job. I was getting a salary for the first time in forever doing the same work. That's so wild. Yeah. Because I was doing the same work as the owner, except all the pressure was taken off of me. So Yeah, I'm sure it felt really different. I didn't have, yeah. And so I had a really, I had a really good thing that I intentionally gave up because I was just feeling so burnt out. And so it's sort of like a, it wasn't all good. Like, you know, you can look back and say, oh, I was really fit and I was also feeling really free and really relieved that I had made these decisions in my life to move on and like better my situation and, and try to embark on a, a path of growth. And there's all these positive ways to look at it. You can also look at it as like, well those, that was also really fucking hard time. Yeah. So we can re romanticize things out of balance too. And, but in

Tali: 33:21

the same way that we can romanticize things like we can also Yeah. Like totally demonize people. Mm-hmm. Or experiences. Oh yeah. And unfortunately, we allow those sometimes to become a part of our identity. And I think that that's what I'm really trying to prevent here is like, I don't really want to be a bitter person. I've seen bitter on older people and it ain't cute. So

Cody: 33:45

I'm just, do you think you feel that way though about weightlifting or your weightlifting career, or?

Tali: 33:49

No, but I did for a long time. Part of me still feels sad, but it's not any because of what, anything, anything anybody else did. Mm-hmm. You know, a lot of times I think back to like, ooh, like I kind of quit prematurely if I had maybe better communication skills. Maybe something could have been different. Maybe I have, you know, thinking about bad habits, I have a tendency to walk away from things as soon as I feel a rift or not serving me, rather than like investigating or really giving anybody a chance to respond. If you think about it,

Cody: 34:30

I am thinking about it and I do know from other situations that you've shared with me that I know that's a history that you believe about yourself. Yeah. But I also was there in this Yes instance, and it seems to me like one of the problems with communication breakdown was that you, the people you were trying to communicate refused to hear you. Like you can only do so much. You know, like, sure.

Tali: 34:59

But think about this. I actually ended up meeting up with my coach. After I'd sent an email that I wanted to quit. Mm-hmm. And we talked about a lot of things. However, that conversation was heavily influenced by the fact that I was like, fuck you, I'm quitting. Mm-hmm. You know, like I, the way you relate could have set it up before,

Cody: 35:20

perhaps. But the way you relate it to me as well was that it was like a really cold situation on one side and you were like laying it all out there and it seemed to be met with like aloofness or like an uncaring, like whatever kind of attitude. So

Tali: 35:35

maybe Well, and I kind of felt like I had to do something drastic to get their attention. Mm-hmm. But I'm really the only one that walked away with a loss, I think. Mm-hmm. I mean, I'll never really know unless I'm told one day, but I just think about like my. My pursuits to be a competitive weightlifter on a higher level. I feel like totally crumbled from that. I feel like my relationships really crumbled from that. My sense of community, you know, there was a lot that I don't think I was really prepared to give up, but it's, it's hard to say because yeah, I can look back and be like, well that was a really dysfunctional relationship and well that wasn't really serving me anymore. But I don't really wanna think about it that way either. It's easier for me to put the blame on myself, of course. Mm-hmm. Or seeing it as an opportunity in the future. Mm-hmm. And you know, since then, I feel like my communication skills have gotten much better, but I also feel them atrophying as of late. And that's why I was saying like, I can look at myself in the past, like physically, socially, and creatively. know, just like you were saying in that allegory, like it's kind of rollercoaster, right? Mm-hmm. Like all of these things require attention, commitment, consistency, and it's like juggling. Like you have to keep everything in the air and as soon as you know, you know, things can fall out of rhythm. And I feel like sometimes even in my communication now, like that's another thing that feels like it's really suffering. You think? Yeah. Not necessarily with you, but I feel like with other people in my life, like I feel like I'm very quick to say, oh, I'm fine. Hmm. Or to be accommodating or appeasing in, just kind of keep pleasantries rather than being able to like clearly communicate in a way that I don't feel like emotionally wrapped up in it. You know, when you and I were just talking the other day about a challenging conversation that we had with a family member, and I kind of look back being like, damn it, I kind of wish I was able to keep my cool a little bit better.

Cody: 37:50

You know, you I'm the one who lost it.

Tali: 37:52

Yeah. But like, I jumped in on it too. I guess what I'm saying is like, I don't wanna ha wanna like think about our past selves as a source of inspiration, like you were saying, as a, as opposed to like, well that sucks that I'm not there anymore, kind of thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cody: 38:10

Yeah. I think you can be empowered by it if you, you know, it's just like looking at an example you wanna follow. That can be you too. Like you can follow yourself. It's like, I did that once. I can do it again. And maybe not in the competition realm because Windows. There's windows of opportunity. Yeah. And sometimes you can't go back. Right. Same with like a marriage for instance. Like you, you're not gonna go back usually and like fix shit 20.

Tali: 38:35

Well it's like applying 20 years later, applying those to the next opportunity. Right. Whatever it is. And that's why I feel like there's this really cool parallel it in that drawing class. Yeah,

Cody: 38:46

that's what I was gonna say is like you could find a whole new community, a whole new technical pursuit. Yeah. And

Tali: 38:55

develop a new skill, like whatever

Cody: 38:56

it is. And, and the art world may not be as directly competitive, but you could maybe get some of the same sort of satisfaction of. Getting to a point where you feel comfortable displaying your art in a show or like a local show. Oh,

Tali: 39:11

yeah. Well, well it's definitely the same in terms of like, you should really only try to outdo your own work. Yeah, yeah. Right. Yeah. And I almost would assume an art because it's so, so individualized that mm-hmm. You wouldn't really be able to rec, like recreate something that someone else has done. I don't necessarily see like why you would want to No. But in

Cody: 39:35

art shows they do award, like I've been awarded ribbons like first price, second, third, like best of show situations where there's a panel of judges and Sure. So I mean, there's a, an element too that, that could be interesting to pursue in the same way that you did weightlifting. Yeah.

Tali: 39:53

So you can take this. I wonder what the physical ramifications of trying are. Arthritis. I don't know what arthritis, oh

Cody: 40:01

no, I don't, I don't know. I don't think that art is as damaging as. Say writing, you know, like typing is just so repetitive, whereas drawing there's a lot of diversity in your positioning and where what you're drawing and how you're drawing, the methods you're

Tali: 40:16

using and stuff. I wonder though, just like physically, like if my hands like strengthen for, or like get more, have more stamina to draw, like does that really show in your work? Like, can you look at somebody's work and you're like, wow, they've got great stamina in there? I don't think so. I don't know. I don't think so. Yeah. And I'm always trying to like take it back to terms that I understand, but that's also because drawing and art feels really foreign to me. You know, always been an admirer, but a participant not so much. Yeah. Yeah.

Cody: 40:52

So I don't know, I don't know how to resolve this question that is today's episode because I think, like I said, there's an opportunity to reframe things. So you can't go back and change events, but you can change your perspective on them. Yes. And that takes some effort. I mean, that takes intention. Yes. It takes intention and effort. You can't just like, you know, default mode for humans is to be a sloth and just die. I mean, we are, we kind of like what? Conserve, it's true. Like given the choice, everybody would just rather sit on their ass and do nothing. Like even people who say they don't like, you have to like force yourself to get out there and do stuff to grow and, and become more than you are. And reframing is the same thing. It takes some effort and attention, but but I don't know that I have some sort of takeaway that I can like give. Everybody on how to handle this, you know? Well, I think there are certain practices that you can do. I mean, there's, I know you're gonna cringe when I say this, but what, like meditation and things like this can really help to bring you into a state of presence. If you're somebody who's like, obsessing over the past, I don't

Tali: 42:04

think you have to subscribe or prescribe something so extreme as meditation. It's

Cody: 42:10

not extreme for everybody. And that's why I said you're gonna cringe. So just, it's okay. You don't have to. But I'm just saying that some tool like that another thing is just like it's like Wayne's world. It's like, get over it, move on. You know, like that it's when was that? Because his psycho ex-girlfriend keeps like thinking it's still a thing. But you can just. Shift your focus, which is kinda like what you're talking about with the drawing. Like you found something new, maybe you can pour some energy in and take lessons from your past experiences and put it into this new pursuit. Yes, that's right. And I think that can go a long ways towards sort of like letting go of, of the past.

Tali: 42:48

Well, let's say if I ever have a rift with my art teacher, I feel like I have a better way of handling it than I handled it with my coach. But I remember talking to my mom about this a few weeks back where I was reminiscing on the time that you and I went to a friend's wedding and my, like long-term ex-boyfriend was there and I was able to like greeted him with a huge hug. We hadn't talked for years before that. And I think I, I know he was really surprised when I put my arms around him and excitement because I think. He would've expected me to like still give him the cold shoulder, you know, still feel really bruised by it, but mm-hmm. I have so much to thank him for and what a wonderful relationship we had, and I attribute my ability to have a great relationship with you a lot to that first relationship. And so I think that that's a depiction of the application that I'd like to have. Which I guess the action step that I would suggest for folks today is, you know, if you are looking back at your past self or your past life with grief, instead, just try on saying like, that was a wonderful time in life. Mm-hmm. How great was it that I got to experience that? Mm-hmm. And that's it. Like, not that like, oh, I should have kept doing it, or, oh, I could have done it differently. Like, I think cultivating gratitude around it. Is transformative as hell. And that's why I was saying like, oh, you don't have to do anything like quite as extreme as meditation. Cuz I think just trying on that perspective mm-hmm. Or just being like breezy about it goes a really long way. Mm-hmm. Like, you can really change your thinking just by saying those things. We talked about the power of like posing and smiling like in moments that are really challenging. And I feel like this is the same thing, like we're just trying on a different way of looking at it and it might, you know, depending on how far out you are from those experiences might feel really far-fetched or absurd even. Mm-hmm. Like a really tall order, really hard to do. Mm-hmm. But that's I think how I just wanna look back at things like, yeah, this, I just wanna be grateful for having that experience and how cool was it that I got to do

Cody: 45:11

it. Yeah. And we were talking about this the other day too, about there are sometimes psychological tools that we can use and. Whether you buy into it's like the, the, the placebo effect. Some people say mm-hmm. Well, it's just the placebo effect. Just, and it's like just you, you realize your, your brain just cured you. Right. Like your, that's like, that's, it's not a small

Tali: 45:32

thing. You sound like Louis CK when he is talking about people who complain when they're in an airplane, he's like, you're like 10,000 feet flying, flying through the air

Cody: 45:44

an hour. Yeah. And you're complaining cause the wifi doesn't work. Right.

Tali: 45:49

I love that grape so much. It's so funny. Yeah.

Cody: 45:52

But it's we take things like the placebo effect lightly, but, and the only reason I bring that up is cuz what I'm about to say is, I feel cheesy saying it, but the way I try to re for it reframe these things is like, it's just a tool. It's just a tool. And if it works, if a fuck, if a tool works, use the tool. And you and I were talking about the other day about like this psychoanalyst. Approach or, or therapist approach of like hugging your inner child or something like that. Mm-hmm. Like if you're somebody who is neglected or abused, if you go back and like, imagine yourself as a child, like close your eyes and like see yourself as a child and then like embrace that child and like hug that child that you can actually prompt an emotional response in yourself as if you are receiving love. Yeah. And it's an odd thing that we have this brain that can think in like three different perspectives at once. It's, it's fucking weird, but Well,

Tali: 46:45

and we can simulate things as if they're really happening uhhuh just by thinking about it. Yeah.

Cody: 46:51

And to a degree it's wild to a degree of getting an emotional response. Yeah. And so the reason I bring that up, even though it just sounds kind of cheesy, like hug your inner child or whatever is. Like if, if there's a, an event in your past, you can also express gratitude to those people, even if those people are no longer in your life. I learned

Tali: 47:10

that from you, like you can, like this exact arena that we're talking about.

Cody: 47:14

Yeah, and that's one reason I brought up meditation. You don't have to think of meditation as like sitting there counting your breath. Like there's meta meditation is literally sitting there and like listing things that you're grateful for and, and, and expressing love to like a person and then maybe a group of people and you kind of like expand out to that. You're like loving the world kind of thing. It's like, sounds really super cheesy, but you sound like,

Tali: 47:42

sound like what? Tammy Faye Baker from last night. We just watched the movie. The eyes of Tammy Faye, and Wow, you really sound like her. Jesus loves you. Well, she's like, I love all people. Yeah, and she said it many times. I

Cody: 47:57

guess my point is, is that you can use this as an exercise. Like if there's a point in your past that's like a, that feels like you're mourning a loss or an injured part of yourself because of this past, you can start to reframe that by practicing reframing it. Like go, like, imagine those people in your life or the events in your life, and then just express gratitude for it. Like, I'm really glad I got the opportunity to do that. I'm grateful that I was able to compete in that arena and do as well as

Tali: 48:26

I did. I know to look back with like any regret or whatever, Like snobby as hell. Like you were saying about your past physical fitness. Like Yeah, I

Cody: 48:36

look at videos like, why weren't you more grateful for that at the time? Right? Yeah. Because damn, you look good, right? Yeah. But, but it's not too late, I guess, is what I'm saying. Mm-hmm. Is like, you can kind of close your eyes and imagine yourself in the past and just express gratitude for that chapter and of the book, you know, like right in a book and you can flip back and say, well, that was a really cool moment, but you can, you can let go of some of the bitterness of loss, I guess by trying to practice reframing it in those ways of gratitude. Well, and I

Tali: 49:07

think it's also easy when you're thinking back on a, like a height, a high point in your life to forget that it took a long time to get there and that it didn't always look that way. Like I was, it wasn't sudden. No. Or like it wasn't handed to me like I. Worked my ass off. Mm-hmm. And I was the new kid at one point. I had moved from another state and you know, was able to cultivate that life for myself. And so I have to give myself credit that like, I can do that again. Mm-hmm. But it might look differently. It will

Cody: 49:40

look differently no matter what. Right.

Tali: 49:42

But the thing is, I don't think it's inherent that we think of things that way. I mean, some people might, I guess I just don't, and it's easy to just like wanna look back, wanna look back. But I know that there's something inherently wrong with that. Like, it doesn't sit well with me, but I don't necessarily always feel like I know how to utilize those feelings and like channel them in a way that's productive or in a way that feels exciting. Mm-hmm. You know, I do feel like, I know you've seen me in the last three years, like try on a bunch of different things. Kind of like hoping for that spark and I don't know if drawing will be that, but I think, you know, that environment, the challenge, the novelty, the feedback, like, I really thrive in that way and I don't, I don't know if I can go as far to say that that's what everybody needs, but

Cody: 50:37

see those are things you learned about yourself and self knowledge is so valuable that it's just another reason to be grateful for that. Yeah. Chapter. Yeah. My friend Adam texted a little bug on my butcher that what he exactly said, but it was something along the lines of the, the past doesn't exist. Only lessons do. And so only the things that you learn and can use from the past are all that really matter. Because it's, if you, the paso is only a memory in our head. Like it doesn't literally exist anymore. Well, it's not like

Tali: 51:11

you can grab it and Yeah. It's not a take it with you part of reality. Yeah.

Cody: 51:15

Right. So we have a choice of, of what we can learn and grow from in that way again, it takes attention.

Tali: 51:24

Well, and I think that that's also why it's so hard to relate sometimes to folks who don't have that internal locus of control or are very much ruled by their past or, you know, aren't here and now. And like, Create like creative mm-hmm. In the present moment. Mm-hmm.

Cody: 51:46

Or if they are here now, it's just bitterness. It's just like, I hate where

Tali: 51:49

I'm at and it's like hanging onto a narrative that, like you said, it doesn't exist anymore. Mm-hmm. Like, why are you letting yourself get pulled down by something that doesn't exist anymore? Mm-hmm. And there's just like a, an inherent quality of like a lack of creativity. I feel like when I encounter folks like that and it feels really hard to relate to. But you know, we do get to choose who we spend our time with. We get to choose whose opinions matter to us. And you know, I'm not saying like hopefully I can never associate with anybody who feels that way. That's not really how life works all the time. But I guess it's just my major takeaway from this, or I guess what I would like to impart on other folks is that we have a lot more power over. Our lives and how we look at them and how we can feel about them. You know, we are not at the mercy of any of that stuff. Like it's really an illusion. It is a choice, I think. Yeah. You know, if you're gonna let the past rule your life, and I feel like, you know, that's something that I, I've wrestled with when it comes to therapy and, you know, my family went through a really hard divorce and a lot of us have been kind of fractured in certain ways, or conditioned in certain ways as a result. And, you know, my family has suggested, you know, all of us doing some sort of like family therapy together like 20 years later. Mm-hmm. Now, and maybe even longer. But I really appreciate the sentiment, but part of me doesn't feel like it has to be all that hard in terms of like, needing all of the structure around it, because maybe I'm just, maybe I'm. Projecting or something, or just oversimplifying, but I just feel like it doesn't have to be that hard mm-hmm. To let

Cody: 53:42

go. Yeah. I, you and I are a lot alike in that way cuz I've kind of always instinctively felt that, you know, I had a pretty rough bringing as well I a lot of dysfunction and divorce and things like that. And I was made to go to counseling. Mm-hmm. And there was a time where I was just like this, I, I think a lot of kids feel this way if they're like, forced to do something, it's like they're kicking the floor. Like, ooh, what the fuck am I doing here? Like, this is pointless. But a part of it was just like, why? Like, this is just making things harder. Like, why am I dredging all this shit up over and over again? It's almost like re-traumatizing in a way. I

Tali: 54:20

mean, there's gotta be a lot of value to it because it's kind of the, the common practice, right, to like, it doesn't mean unpack your past and, you know, to unpack the past is the only way forward. And I don't. I don't necessarily feel that way because I just like that allegory that you said. I mean, I really think that that's great. A great analogy that you brought up. I think that's such a powerful storyline, just to know that just because life comes with tragedy doesn't mean that those tragedies like don't lead to other great things or can't be attributed to great things that happen in our lives too, you know? Yeah, yeah. But you have to let it, like, you have to have that attitude that will see attitude because if you do attribute a value to it, that's like good or bad, and you're like setting that as the way it's gonna be for the rest of your life, and that's how you're always gonna look at it, and that's how everybody else should feel about it. You know, you're just kind of setting yourself up for rigidity and it's, it creates more suffering for yourself the more. Landmines you put around yourself, you know?

Cody: 55:30

Yeah. Well, people talk about events in their lives too, as defining moments. Mm-hmm. And I think you get to choose to some degree what defines you. So letting some bad experience or some like height, good experience or whatever, be the definition of your life or who you are, that's a choice. And a lot of times, you know, I saw this grid the other day. It was like a, just a I'm trying to think of the word. Just like a graphic, a visual representation of an idea. And so it had like a hundred dots and like 10 random ones out of the a hundred were painted red. Okay. And then it had a little arrow pointing to one of'em, and it says A bad day. It's not a bad life, you know, you look at the whole thing. Mm. And. Just cuz you have these quote unquote defining moments doesn't really mean it needs to define your entire existence or your, your life. I realize that there's, you know, we were just talking about how weird the human brain is a little while ago. So there's all kinds of weird chemical reactions and like trauma can, trauma, just like trauma to a leg can cause an injury that is like, oh this is, this knee's gonna ache the rest of my life cuz of this injury I had when I was 12, kind of thing. Mm-hmm. So I'm not saying that events can't affect you to such a degree that you, you're gonna have to deal with it, you know, but I think a lot of times, especially in our culture today, it feels like we've become so over desensitized that we're willing to allow. Those types of traumas to define who we are and how we approach life from there, there on out bringing up, bringing it up as a recurring thing when it really only happened once. Mm-hmm. You know, I've been stuck in this loop, you, you know, for the last couple weeks of like, replaying this really shitty conversation we had with, with a family member. And I was just like, I was pissed about it, you know? And, and it's weird. He's been pissed about it. And it's weird because I, it, it's not like I'm, it's not like I'm choosing to go there. It's more like a, it comes up when I'm making a, making a lunch or something. It's like, what? Ugh. Like ugh, that's just pissed me off, you know? And so I'm just having to consciously steer myself away from it cuz it was literally a. Five minutes. Like why two weeks, five minutes outta your whole life? Yeah. Five minutes outta my whole life. Yeah. And I'm here two weeks later still suffering from, like, why? I, I just, I don't want that. So I think it's for a while I was sort of like trying to fight fire with fire. Like I would get mad at about the conversation. Then I get mad at myself for thinking about, it's like, why don't you fucking just like, stop it? Just stop. And and uh, that's a healthy loop. But I, I think, you know, I was listening to or actually read a little quote from Rom Doss the other day about like the way he's practiced his sort of spiritual journey and the way that he chose to approach it was like, not to fight it, not to like be more, be better, be this, be that, but just to be like present and be like, oh, that's okay. And. Constantly sort of reel yourself into like, not being upset by other people's actions or events or something, but just be like, well, that's the way that is. And well, and there's a see where I'm at now and just kind of like constantly bringing yourself back to present moment. Right.

58:58

And

Tali: 58:58

I think that there are a lot of different questions that you can ask yourself. You know, I, I mentioned how it's easier the more distance you have from these experiences to be able to reflect maybe a little bit more less emotion. Like emotion. Yeah. You might have a lot more options at that point. But I think there are questions that you can ask yourself now that might help diffuse some of the, the, the angry feelings that you're having, which is like, was that deserved? Was that like, is that an interaction that I should take personally? Is this. Something that I have to deal with on a regular basis. How much of my life is this really taking up kind of some of the things that you just mentioned? Mm-hmm. And I think about that even now with like the challenges that I've had with like leaving the world of weightlifting and in a way I almost feel like I'm selling myself short to think like, well, that's all I did with my life. Like, there's so much more to be done, you know?

Cody: 59:59

Yeah. That was just a little chapter.

Tali: 1:00:01

It was, yeah. Yeah. And it was a great chapter. I, ugh, I have this way of ending things really terribly, like just messy relationships, jobs, any like ending has seemed so uncharacteristic of my actual time there. I just like trip over the finish line. Mm-hmm. That is another, like, I would say, like a bad quality of mine, and I'm not sure exactly why that happens to end things gracefully. Mm-hmm. Now that I'm 31, I've come to find that people come in and out of our lives. You know, there are things in life that are not meant to be permanent forever, and it's okay that things come to an end. Mm-hmm. But like, why does that ending always have to be so so tumultuous, so agonizing. Mm-hmm. I haven't quite figured out that out. That's something that I really want to get a hold of. Mm-hmm. Because I always like to think it starts with good intentions and like really wanting to be overly careful. Yeah. With my approach and it fucking backfires every

Cody: 1:01:18

time. So you. Started to touch on something I've been thinking of, and I thought maybe our experience was different in this way. But maybe not. Maybe you can relate to what I'm about to say, because I have a few instances in my life where people, you know, I can immediately just pull up a list. It's like three or four people that I just really feel bad badly for the way things ended. Mm-hmm. Still to this day, like I still carry some guilt. I still know, I, I'm still, I, I feel in my head that these people still resent me or dislike me or whatever, and it kind of sucks because at one time we were friends. And that, that just kind of hurts to think about. But yeah, the common theme that I can see in. Experiences with things sort of like good, good, good and bad. Mm-hmm. And then that end, that bad ending sort of defines the whole thing.

Tali: 1:02:05

Well, it's kind of this, I just wanna like jump in really quickly. You were talking about those like red dots and those things standing out, kind of defining our lives. Like one bad day. And it's kind of like when you get reviews for anything like the bad reviews or the bad comments or whatever, those tend to overshadow like all the great feedback that you get. Yeah. It's easily get fixated

Cody: 1:02:27

on it. There's an evolutionary response. That's the reasoning for this. Mm-hmm. I don't know that it helps us. I, I guess maybe it helps us just because the more aware we are of what's going on, the more we can maybe control it, but Sure. In, you know, ancient humanity noticing like berries. Fish or some, some food opportunity is something that you might encounter daily because you gotta eat every day. Okay. And so it's valuable information, but it's not as critical as knowing where the lion's den is. And so the bad things, the shit that's like a bad, you saw your cousin get eaten by a fucking lion. Like those bad things are like those are gonna stick with you more because it's very, it is way more critical for you to be aware of those bad things mm-hmm. In order to survive. Mm-hmm. So this, there's an, there's a instinct in us to really amplify the bad shit, because that will save our lives. Sure. In the jungle. Well, we're not in that situation anymore. So now an argument with somebody is like this traumatic thing. It doesn't have to be, but we kind of amplify bad things because we want to avoid It's a threat to our safety. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. So what I was starting go to go to there with, My situation of like a, a bad ending to an otherwise good relationship for me, it's always I can, I can really find this common thread in everything, and maybe it's correlation, but I really think it's the cause was my des my need to be liked. Mm-hmm. Was overshadowing open, honest communication and so, yeah.

Tali: 1:04:10

Isn't that weird how that like really. Fucks us up.

Cody: 1:04:14

Yeah. And it obviously backfires because like, these are people who don't like me anymore, and it's like my whole,

Tali: 1:04:20

well, you don't actually

Cody: 1:04:21

know that. Well, I got a pretty good idea about it, but but you really don't. Yeah. Well, in some cases, but I'm telling you, there are people out there who don't like Cody Limbaugh. That's just, that's the reality of the world. But the irony there is that it was my sort of like, need to be liked and agreeable and to try to come across as the good guy in this situation that actually caused the fucking problem. And

Tali: 1:04:47

I can, well, I think it's because it registers as really distant sometimes.

Cody: 1:04:52

Yeah. Or just unaware. Totally. Or uncaring or, yeah. Or whatever, like aloof. And that's not, that's could be further from the truth. Like I was in some instances feeling like I was being very generous and trying to like, take care of this person. They didn't see it that way, but there was no real on good communication about it. And so everything kind of went to shit. And I ended up sort of being the bad guy and it was way unintentional. And in fact, I was kind of overcompensating by trying to bring a positive attitude into the situation, which just came across as being like un

Tali: 1:05:25

dickish. Yeah, I can see how that would happen. Do you think though that in all of those instances or those like three or four people that you can think of, were, were those relationships severed in a moment of actually trying to cut things off? Or was it just an attempt to have open, honest communication or to just like air a grievance or something?

Cody: 1:05:50

No, I don't. I think that in all those cases things were like being severe. Intentionally by one or both of us.

Tali: 1:05:59

Okay. Yeah. See, that's the, I think that's a really important thing to point out because it had gotten

Cody: 1:06:04

to an underlying resentment uhhuh that I didn't know was there necessarily until it like exploded, like, fuck off. You know? Like I was like,

Tali: 1:06:11

oh yeah, it's gone too far at that point. Yeah. Where ending it feels like really the only way to alleviate it. Yeah. That sucks.

Cody: 1:06:18

Well, and when one person decides it doesn't take two people to decide to break off a relationship.

Tali: 1:06:24

It doesn't, doesn't one of'em, you know, doesn't, but it also, if it comes as a surprise or if the conversation isn't coming from an honest place and it's kind of this like flexing, buttoned up, trying to be cordial kind of crap. I think that that's a sign of a missed opportunity far earlier on. Mm-hmm. That needed dressing that wasn't. Mm-hmm. Because there's so much of us that wants. To act out of self-preservation and to avoid discomfort. And unfortunately that can put us in situations like those. Mm-hmm. I really try to avoid those as much as possible. It's hard to do that with everybody, especially if your communication isn't like, on a regular basis, I guess. But I definitely think that, that that's kind of symptomatic of like resentment and things like that building up, which are things that you and I are both trying to alleviate in our lives. And that might be with open communication or just like what we're talking about here, like just practicing reframing things. Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Cody: 1:07:32

Hmm. Well I feel like this was a therapy session totally more than a any sort of value bomb. You know, where I think we're in most of our podcasts, we're trying to like explore a concept and. Find some ways to apply it. And I think we've touched on a few good things here as far as like expressing gratitude as being a way out of resentment. I think that's a valuable, very

Tali: 1:07:58

valuable tool. And just taking some pressure off of yourself too. Yeah. Like if you're someone who's getting back into fitness or whatever, like who cares what you did in high school? Like, who cares what you did at Nationals six years ago? Yeah. Like, I didn't even be grateful for having done

Cody: 1:08:16

that. Yeah. I didn't even look at my notes today, but one of the things you didn't, I had on there was just like, start where you're at. Like you're

Tali: 1:08:21

always, I wrote that down too. We did a podcast on that. Yeah. And I was like, what did I say? It sounds a lot like a start where you're at episode. But this differs in the perspective, like this is the sticky spot just before you get to that realization. Yeah,

Cody: 1:08:36

yeah, yeah. So no matter who you are, what circumstances are, and we're all just starting where we're at, like right now is just the beginning. Yeah, because it, because it's a perpetual beginning like now, now is what you have. Mm-hmm. So now is what you have to work with. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So you're always sort of at the beginning of an unknown story. I love that. So keep that perspective. Yeah. I think that's important. And relating to that, I guess what you were just talking about is like I had a note here that's like, well, how long is a PR good for, you know, like, oh, good one, when you hit a personal record on a lift you know that, that day, that was your best you've ever done. And that's pretty much all, you know, like there is no other information, there's no other data. We can tell ourselves sometimes for six months that, yeah, I squat 360, well, you did once, six months ago. That doesn't mean that's who you are or where you're at. Well that's why there

Tali: 1:09:30

are lifetime prs, right?

Cody: 1:09:31

Yeah. And so you don't necessarily get to base your current work off of that. Thing that you did six months ago or six years ago or whatever it was? I'm not exactly sure what the expiration date is on a pr to be honest with you. I've been coaching for 20 years and I still don't, it's like, I don't know, like if you're prescribing 80% to an athlete, like, and you're basing that off of a pr, like when does that PR expire? Six months, a year, nine months, 18 months is six. I mean, if I'm arbitrary mean, I

Tali: 1:10:04

mean, if I'm working with a new client, like I won't prescribe percentages at all.

Cody: 1:10:08

No, but I'm saying if you're working with the same client for five years, oh, at what point does that PR expire? Because it has to, it has to expire at some point. Like if you haven't hit that record that you hit that one time, if it's been months since you've done it, can you, we don't know. Like at some point you have to stop using that as a metric.

Tali: 1:10:28

Well, we should think about that. I mean, ugh, so that's actually, that's

Cody: 1:10:32

a hard question. Yeah. I mean, it's a gray area. It depends a lot on a lot of things, I guess, and probably depends a lot on like if you're prescribing 80%, like is that a struggle or are they breezing through it? Are they recovering well? They know those are the metrics we use all the time anyway. It's like, how are you recovering? What's your energy like? You know, you're not getting injured, you're making progress,

Tali: 1:10:51

et cetera. And like your consistent

Cody: 1:10:53

exposure Yeah. To, and you're training, you're not taking time off and your, your nutrition's dialed in. Like in a perfect world, you can keep using those same percentages as long

Tali: 1:11:03

as everyone's Well, that's why working with athletes is fascinating because the data is so consistent. Yeah. It's super cushy, you know working with folks you know, working against Gravity defines athlete as anyone who works out or exercises on purpose. Yeah. So they call pretty much all of their clients athletes, which I think is great. But there's obviously a different caliber to like competitive athletes. But yeah, you get like all the data, all of the. All the information that you need pretty readily where working out with like quote unquote regular people is so much harder cuz there's so many gaps to fill. Mm-hmm.

Cody: 1:11:43

Yeah. Yeah. Well anyway, we might be getting derailed from our topic, but maybe, yeah. Interesting concept and I really would love to hear anyone who's listening to this I to hear your ideas about it. Cuz I don't feel like, even though we talked about gratitude and reframing and living in the now and being present, like we talked about some strategies for this, but I still feel like it's a little bit of a gray area for me as far as like how you relate to the past and particularly relate to the pa your past self. Whether it's positive achievements or regrets or whatever that is. I would love to hear other people's feedback on it. We have on our podcast page at Fit Together. No, sorry. It's how to fit together.com. Mm-hmm. On the podcast page, there's a little orange button that says, like, record now, or something like that. And if you just hit that little button, you can record a message. We can play it back on a future episode and then discuss what you brought up for us. So yeah, that would be so fun. I would really love to have some input on this one, because I'm a bit stumped. I, I, I feel like I'm just as gray going into this as we started the conversation. Like I didn't, I don't feel like I really landed on some concrete, like, oh yeah, going forward, this is how I'm gonna approach this thing.

Tali: 1:12:58

I don't know if you could ever get concrete about it. This Yeah. Because like you said, these are things that we take on as our identity and it's so common and so easy to get caught up in the pitfalls of comparison or regret or grief, you know, good or bad. Mm-hmm. However, we as attribute those situations. My hope is that we can find beauty and value in all of our experiences. Yeah. Good or bad.

Cody: 1:13:28

Good or bad, led you to where you are now. So if you're in a place where you can be great, grateful for where you're at, then you,

Tali: 1:13:34

that means you have to inherently be grateful for all those other things. Exactly. Don't

Cody: 1:13:37

you think? Exactly. Yeah. You have to be grateful for even the shittiest things that have ever happened to you, cuz they led they, they are contributing to who you are. So if you love who you are, then you have to be grateful for even the shittiest things that have ever happened to you. It's, it's like a logical fallacy to not mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. So little stoicism there in that approach and I think it's a good one. So yeah, I had to live all your life.com or how to fit together.com. Either one of them and click on the podcast page and on either one of those websites and let us know your thoughts. Yeah. Cause I'd love to hear from you. Great talk, honey. Thanks. We'll love you. We'll see you guys in a week. I love you too, baby.

Tali: 1:14:22

This episode was produced by Tali Zari and Cody Limbal. Check out our writing, coaching services and home studying adventures at live all your life.com. For show notes, resources mentioned, or to submit a question or contribution, click on the podcast tab.